Understanding what's happening
It can be hard to make sense of what's happening. Doubt and mixed feelings are common. You can open any section below, in any order, and stop whenever you like.
The short version
- Abuse can involve control, threats or humiliation without any physical violence.
- Kind moments don't cancel out behaviour that hurts or frightens you.
- Finding it hard to remember things or make decisions can be a response to stress and trauma.
- You can get support without deciding whether to leave or report.
Why abuse can be hard to recogniseChanges can happen gradually and sit alongside kindness.
Rules, criticism or restrictions can build slowly until they feel ordinary. Kindness and apologies between hurtful moments can make the whole picture harder to see.
Abuse doesn't need to leave bruises. Being told it's your fault, or that this is what relationships are like, can make you question whether your worries count. The responsibility for abusive behaviour belongs to the person choosing it.
Read more: Recognising patterns of control.
Gaslighting and doubting yourselfRepeated denial can leave you unsure of your own experience.
"Gaslighting" is a word for behaviour that keeps undermining someone's trust in their own memory or judgement. It can involve denying things happened, rewriting conversations, or insisting you imagined something.
One disagreement about a memory isn't necessarily gaslighting. The wider pattern matters: you might notice you're constantly checking your own memory, or apologising for raising concerns.
Read more: Ways someone may undermine your confidence.
Coercive and controlling behaviourA pattern that gradually narrows your freedom and choices.
Someone might decide who you see, check where you go, control your medication or set rules about everyday life. This pattern is often called coercive control. You might find yourself changing what you do to avoid their reaction.
In England and Wales, controlling or coercive behaviour can be a crime (section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015). Scotland's Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018 and section 1 of Northern Ireland's Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act (Northern Ireland) 2021 also cover patterns of abusive behaviour, with their own legal tests.
Read more: Control and stalking; How the law differs across the UK.
Emotional and psychological abuseWords, threats and humiliation can cause harm too.
This can include repeated insults, mocking, intimidation, or threats against you, someone you love or a pet. Someone might use private things about you to humiliate you, or make affection feel conditional on doing what they want.
Some people find they become quieter, pull away from friends, or spend a lot of energy watching the other person's mood. These experiences matter, even without physical violence.
Read more: Understanding patterns of abuse.
Stalking and abuse after separatingUnwanted contact and control can carry on after a relationship ends.
Stalking can involve repeated unwanted messages, following, watching, or turning up at places you go. Abuse after separating can also involve money, arrangements for children, or repeated legal threats.
For some people, the risk can rise around separation. A specialist can talk through what's happening without asking you to make any particular decision. The National Stalking Helpline is 0808 802 0300.
Read more: Recognising stalking; Specialist support.
Technology and abusePhones, accounts and devices can be used to watch, threaten or control.
This can involve trackers such as AirTags, spyware, shared accounts and cloud storage, or smart home devices. Threatening to share intimate images is a form of abuse too, whether or not the images are ever shared.
Changing passwords or removing a tracker can sometimes alert the person. A specialist can help you plan before making changes. Refuge also has tech safety guides. If you're worried a device is being watched, a specialist can talk through other ways to get help.
Read more: Monitoring and stalking; What quick exit can and can't do.
Money and financial controlControl over money can limit everyday choices and independence.
Someone might take your wages or benefits, demand receipts, stop you working, or pressure you into debt. They might hold back money for essentials or control access to housing and transport.
Sharing finances doesn't mean one person gets to control the other. Depending on someone financially can make decisions complicated — needing practical help isn't a personal failing.
Read more: Money and financial abuse; Help with legal costs.
How trauma can affect memory, concentration and decisionsStress and fear can change how you remember, feel and respond.
Some people find their memory is patchy or out of order, or that they forget dates. Freezing, feeling numb, struggling to concentrate and finding decisions hard are common responses to frightening experiences. They aren't signs that you're lying or failing.
You can tell the police or a court that your memory is patchy, or that you're not sure of a date. Notes made at the time can help, if making and keeping them is safe for you.
There is help with giving evidence, called "special measures" — for example screens or a video link. What's available depends on the court and your circumstances.
Read more: Keeping a record; Writing your account; Your rights as a victim of crime.
Worries about children and family courtFears about being believed, or about your children, can feel overwhelming.
You might fear losing your children, not being believed, or being called "alienating" — accused of turning a child against their other parent. Worries like these can make it hard to talk about abuse.
Cafcass advises family courts in England about children's welfare, and Cafcass Cymru does this in Wales. In England and Wales, court guidance called Practice Direction 12J is there to make courts consider domestic abuse, and its effect on children and parents, when deciding arrangements for children.
This doesn't guarantee any particular outcome. A solicitor or specialist advocate can help you understand the process and explain your concerns.
Read more: The family court guide; Cafcass, social services and MARAC.
Feeling torn or conflictedCaring about someone and being hurt by them can happen together.
You might love the person, hope they'll change, or feel afraid of what happens next. Shared children, money and housing can make choices more complicated.
Culture, faith, family pressure, immigration status, disability or care needs can also shape what feels possible. None of this means you're weak, and there's no single right choice.
Some people find it helps to talk through one worry at a time. Looking for information doesn't commit you to leaving or reporting.
Read more: Someone to talk things through with; The 3 steps, at your own pace.
If any of this feels familiar, you don't have to work it out alone
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (free, 24 hours): 0808 2000 247
Find specialist support, including services in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
Leaving or reporting can sometimes make things more dangerous for a while. A specialist service can help you plan for that, whatever you decide.
Information only. This is not legal advice. Court procedures and the law change, so it can help to check with a solicitor, Citizens Advice or a domestic abuse advocate before acting.Content last reviewed: November 2026.